500 Words — Day Thirty-One: Resistance

Before a workout, there’s a very unique feeling that I get. I only ever get this feeling during a workout and the feeling is the strongest right before I start moving. It’s not a pain, but the presence of resistance. It’s the temptation that today, maybe I should take a break. It’s a feeling of great lethargy. A suggestion to stop fighting and stay comfortable. This morning that feeling was magnified because I was still feeling a little under the weather. This morning was hard workout day. The voice in my head was whispering, “you can do this tomorrow, you really shouldn’t push yourself too hard.” But I started exercising and like jumping into a pool of cool water, there’s an initial bout of extreme discomfort. But eventually, you warmup into it and the determination and motivation to finish the workout strong grows the deeper into the workout you go. I was able to push through the workout and by the end I wasn’t feel too sick anymore. There was a potential moment of weakness, but I was able to find the strength to overcome.

I’ve been pushing myself in my job for the last three weeks or so. This was even though I was looking for new opportunities and ultimately taking a new position that I’ll move to next month. There are workdays that are really hard to get motivated for and get started. I’ll admit I heard the voice in my head today giving me the temptation of rest. The voice in my head whispering, “you can work hard next month in your new job, you really shouldn’t push yourself too hard.” Unlike working out, the first few actions are unconfident and uncertain. There are ten different things screaming for your attention where during the workout there were only one. You might start one, but you have to deal with the other nine pushing back. Every time you switch direction, the friction and resistance appear again. Getting into a flow is hard. There is no runner’s high. You are sitting in the same spot. You might be tempted to get up and walk around, but that often takes you out of the mindset you managed to get into after some struggle.

The traditional motivators are gone. Working towards some greater goal is no longer as applicable as I’ll never see the completion of the projects I have worked on. Working towards some sense of individual growth also has reduced in relevance as I attempt to withdraw my influence from the projects and transition those responsibilities onto my teammates. I still have the motivation to keeping pushing for the others in my team. I don’t want to abandon them in a perilous position or simply coast to the end simply because I no longer have any skin in the game. My reputation is still in the game for whatever that is worth. Though, I imagine the resistance will grow stronger as I get closer to the end. I remember three folks that moved onto other jobs and I remember their output reduce towards the end as they coasted to the finish line. I don’t want to do that.

But I recognize that willpower is limited and maybe that resistance will overwhelm me before I get to the end. The same thing for exercise as I grow older. I’m likely at/near my physical peak. It’s all downhill from here. There are already things that feel harder than they did five years ago. That’s something you really never feel as kid. I was an overweight, out of shape for most of my childhood, but I felt so much more energy and so much less resistance than I do today. But maybe that is just the lack of sleep.